I thought for some crazy reason that as soon as I stopped drinking that suddenly all would right in my world-that the dishes would get done every night after dinner and the house would shine with my new sobriety. What a joke. I have no idea why I thought I would suddenly have an affinity for dishes and laundry, I just thought I would. I also thought that the day to day crap-you know, the kids fighting me, each other, the commitments, the dogs running wild through the house, the bills; would suddenly be manageable in my clear head. They aren't always.
The only thing missing is the numbing effects of alcohol. The warm buzz that comes with that first drink and doesn't stop until I'm stumbling down the hall on my way to not so quietly sneak to bed. Well, I guess that isn't the only thing missing-the guilt and shame in the morning are gone, the 911 prayers to God to sober me up and to never do it again (until tomorrow) are gone to. They have been replaced by deep breaths, asking for hugs, bubble baths and just saying I can't do this right now and realizing that dishes suck-sober or drunk and the world won't end if I decide to take care of me for the night.
Last night was hard. I was anxious and edgy and just plain bitchy. Talent show rehearsal didn't go the way Summer had planned and she was hyper emotional, Kirby came to visit and the ever present drama between her and Ariel reared it's ugly head and Sky was happily working away in the garden oblivious to all of it until I walked outside. God bless that man, he knew immediately all was not well in the world of Aimee and just gave me a big hug and told me to go take a bath, shut and lock the door and light some candles. It worked, when I returned from my retreat, Kirby was gone, Ariel was in bed and Summer was happily singing her talent show song softly from her own bed. I still feel such guilt that in my drunk nights, alone on the back patio, I would blame him for everything I hated about myself and secretly plot my divorce from him. What an ass I was/am.
The great thing about recovery is I get to make amends to myself and others and start over. I get to turn it all over the the "God of my understanding" and just do the next best right thing. I am so grateful for a clear head this morning, and for the chance to do it all again today.
Your oldest girls are old enough to fight it out themselves. Turn the hose on them. Seriously. That to say, it's not your job to fix them at this point. They're making a choice to be nasty to each other. You can't change that choice for them. You can only make your choices. And as for Summer...she's Summer dude...she and Ally could open their own drama camp. But it would just be DRAMA. LOL A hug goes a long way for them. It's ok to be human. It really is. I'm officaily retiring your superwoman cape...mmmmaky? Take baths. Light your candles. Pray. Look in the mirror and I know that there are days this is hard...but look in the mirror and for today...say...my friends think I'm beautiful and amazing so there has to be some of that in there. Then smile. Cuz you're talking to yourself which is always amusing and because you are, in fact, awesome.
ReplyDeleteI *pink heart* you Lisa! You know my family so well.
ReplyDeleteHi Aimee, I just signed up to follow your blog. I can relate so much of your writing.
ReplyDeleteI am once again attempting 'sobriety'. I never seem to get past a week before I tell myself 'it can't hurt to have one glass of wine with dinner'....of course, that becomes two, sometimes three. I'm sure you know the story! So I thought if I regularly check out bloggers like you then your messages will give me hope...that one day I will be able to say " I am 30 days sober"!
So 'Thank You' for taking the time to tell your story and allow women like me to read it and find that hope!!
i found you from stephanie wilde taylor's blog - hello! i'm a mum of one teenager and just passed a year sober after 20 plus years of trying to control my drinking and failing miserably.
ReplyDeletestrength and hope to you in your sobriety - i know everyone says it gets easier but it really does. i found it was like learning to be a grown up from the beginning - so now i am about 14!
keep on keeping on and many hugs.