I hear things like serenity, peace, happy-joyous-free at my meetings and I crave them. There are days and weeks (like this one) where it all seems like BS and i'm "off the beam"...(geez, I don't think I've found the beam yet) and I wonder is all of this work worth it. I am going to meetings 5x a week and more if I need it, I'm praying, giving it over/letting go, talking to other alcoholics and working my steps and sometimes it is just overwhelming. I don't know what to do with all of the emotions that keep popping up-I have stuffed them down for so long that they are foreign to me.
This week I am frustrated, overwhelmed and filled with fear about starting step 4-I am terrified and that makes me wonder if I am really ready to get honest with myself. I have created this fantasy person for so fucking long that I'm not sure I'd know the truth if it hit me in the face.
The person that desires to live and have hope knows that yes it is worth it. I am worth it. I deserve to have serenity, peace and the 5 other dwarfs. It's just so damned hard sometimes. I know that today I won't drink and will try not to throttle anyone either!
Dude...getting honest with yourself even if you're NOT an alcoholic sucks balls. Looking at the things that really aren't great. You deserve all the dwarves. Except that one, you know...the stupid one. ;)
ReplyDeleteRemember that there are those of us who saw the Aimee under the booze. Saw the spirit which remained intact...and we find you awesome.
Wow, step 4. Congrats! I have not even begun the steps or find a sponsor yet. I still have "those" days too. When you find happy and joyus. please share ;)
ReplyDeletesending out love and hugs!
Missy
Hey there Aimee...U ok???
ReplyDeleteTake it easy - don't overstep yourself - hope to hear from you soon...
ReplyDelete