I hear things like serenity, peace, happy-joyous-free at my meetings and I crave them. There are days and weeks (like this one) where it all seems like BS and i'm "off the beam"...(geez, I don't think I've found the beam yet) and I wonder is all of this work worth it. I am going to meetings 5x a week and more if I need it, I'm praying, giving it over/letting go, talking to other alcoholics and working my steps and sometimes it is just overwhelming. I don't know what to do with all of the emotions that keep popping up-I have stuffed them down for so long that they are foreign to me.
This week I am frustrated, overwhelmed and filled with fear about starting step 4-I am terrified and that makes me wonder if I am really ready to get honest with myself. I have created this fantasy person for so fucking long that I'm not sure I'd know the truth if it hit me in the face.
The person that desires to live and have hope knows that yes it is worth it. I am worth it. I deserve to have serenity, peace and the 5 other dwarfs. It's just so damned hard sometimes. I know that today I won't drink and will try not to throttle anyone either!
Friday, April 15, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Managing Expectations
I thought for some crazy reason that as soon as I stopped drinking that suddenly all would right in my world-that the dishes would get done every night after dinner and the house would shine with my new sobriety. What a joke. I have no idea why I thought I would suddenly have an affinity for dishes and laundry, I just thought I would. I also thought that the day to day crap-you know, the kids fighting me, each other, the commitments, the dogs running wild through the house, the bills; would suddenly be manageable in my clear head. They aren't always.
The only thing missing is the numbing effects of alcohol. The warm buzz that comes with that first drink and doesn't stop until I'm stumbling down the hall on my way to not so quietly sneak to bed. Well, I guess that isn't the only thing missing-the guilt and shame in the morning are gone, the 911 prayers to God to sober me up and to never do it again (until tomorrow) are gone to. They have been replaced by deep breaths, asking for hugs, bubble baths and just saying I can't do this right now and realizing that dishes suck-sober or drunk and the world won't end if I decide to take care of me for the night.
Last night was hard. I was anxious and edgy and just plain bitchy. Talent show rehearsal didn't go the way Summer had planned and she was hyper emotional, Kirby came to visit and the ever present drama between her and Ariel reared it's ugly head and Sky was happily working away in the garden oblivious to all of it until I walked outside. God bless that man, he knew immediately all was not well in the world of Aimee and just gave me a big hug and told me to go take a bath, shut and lock the door and light some candles. It worked, when I returned from my retreat, Kirby was gone, Ariel was in bed and Summer was happily singing her talent show song softly from her own bed. I still feel such guilt that in my drunk nights, alone on the back patio, I would blame him for everything I hated about myself and secretly plot my divorce from him. What an ass I was/am.
The great thing about recovery is I get to make amends to myself and others and start over. I get to turn it all over the the "God of my understanding" and just do the next best right thing. I am so grateful for a clear head this morning, and for the chance to do it all again today.
The only thing missing is the numbing effects of alcohol. The warm buzz that comes with that first drink and doesn't stop until I'm stumbling down the hall on my way to not so quietly sneak to bed. Well, I guess that isn't the only thing missing-the guilt and shame in the morning are gone, the 911 prayers to God to sober me up and to never do it again (until tomorrow) are gone to. They have been replaced by deep breaths, asking for hugs, bubble baths and just saying I can't do this right now and realizing that dishes suck-sober or drunk and the world won't end if I decide to take care of me for the night.
Last night was hard. I was anxious and edgy and just plain bitchy. Talent show rehearsal didn't go the way Summer had planned and she was hyper emotional, Kirby came to visit and the ever present drama between her and Ariel reared it's ugly head and Sky was happily working away in the garden oblivious to all of it until I walked outside. God bless that man, he knew immediately all was not well in the world of Aimee and just gave me a big hug and told me to go take a bath, shut and lock the door and light some candles. It worked, when I returned from my retreat, Kirby was gone, Ariel was in bed and Summer was happily singing her talent show song softly from her own bed. I still feel such guilt that in my drunk nights, alone on the back patio, I would blame him for everything I hated about myself and secretly plot my divorce from him. What an ass I was/am.
The great thing about recovery is I get to make amends to myself and others and start over. I get to turn it all over the the "God of my understanding" and just do the next best right thing. I am so grateful for a clear head this morning, and for the chance to do it all again today.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Authenticity
I am 22 days sober this time. I am actively pursuing my sobriety this time. I am putting as much energy in staying sober as I did drinking this time. I am no longer finding reasons to justify why I deserve to drink, no longer placing blame on those around me for my drinking. I am going to meetings, I have turned it over to my higher power, I got a sponsor and I'm working my steps-okay step, I'm still on step one. I always hated homework and was floored when I found out AA gave homework...wtf? Really?
I don't remember what it is like to be authentic-to practice honesty as a rule and not an exception. I know I was young when I lost my authentic self. I know I must face the past and forgive myself to move forward, but I'm not ready for that yet. It's too raw, it triggers to much right now. I'm so glad there are steps to this program. I know by the time I get to that step, I will have the support and tools I need to face it honestly and with an open heart and mind. I know that I will be ready to forgive myself for all of my transgressions, lies, destruction.
Today I move forward, letting go, breathing, and continue to peel away the layers that have brought me to this point. Today I will remain sober, one hour at a time and today I will love myself just a little more than yesterday. I will find that girl, the real Aimee, and i'm excited today for the journey to her!
I don't remember what it is like to be authentic-to practice honesty as a rule and not an exception. I know I was young when I lost my authentic self. I know I must face the past and forgive myself to move forward, but I'm not ready for that yet. It's too raw, it triggers to much right now. I'm so glad there are steps to this program. I know by the time I get to that step, I will have the support and tools I need to face it honestly and with an open heart and mind. I know that I will be ready to forgive myself for all of my transgressions, lies, destruction.
Today I move forward, letting go, breathing, and continue to peel away the layers that have brought me to this point. Today I will remain sober, one hour at a time and today I will love myself just a little more than yesterday. I will find that girl, the real Aimee, and i'm excited today for the journey to her!
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